Spelunky is amazing. Fact. There. Review over. Go home to your wife and tell her you had a good time. Why is it good? You want me to explain? Jesus. Ok then.
Spelunky is a 2D Indiana Jones themed oldschool platformer, created by a guy called Derek Yu, on his own, and released as freeware. This is incredible in itself – the polish that’s gone into this title is heart-warming, and the game is a slick joy to play compared to the vast swathes of dross that a PC gamer normally has to suffer.
Your goal is simple – get through the underground cave system alive, defeat the final boss, and grab as much loot on your way through as you can.
 |
| What lurks in the depths below? |
Let’s start with the graphics. They project a warmth of a cosier era, a rose-tinted view of the past, where strange bearded men sat in their bedrooms and composed games on floppy disks.
I love the graphics. They are bright, clear, simple and flow amazingly well. The smoothness of your spelunker as he jumps to his death never gets old. The sounds are solid, beeps and boops, with an 8-bit music background, again adding to the retro-ambiance, yet never grating or annoying. They take you back to a simpler time, a happier time, when 8mb was a lot of RAM and people hadn’t heard of circle-strafing.
I am also in love with Spelunky because it is so hard and utterly unforgiving. Gone is the spoon-feeding, nampy pampy gameplay of a generation of cry babies who don’t know the meaning of the words ‘instant death’. You start with four lives, and once they’re gone, it’s game over. There’s no save game feature, no checkpoints (although by saving up enough gold, you can eventually pay for tunnel shortcuts to later levels). You live and die by your wits and your skills. As you progress deeper into the caves, your palms begin to sweat. What was once an easy jump over a spike pit now becomes a yawning chasm threatening to suck your spelunker to his doom. If you die, it’s all over. You know you can’t afford to fail. It’s even worse when you are down to your final life. Every second you spend onscreen could bring imminent death - quite literally, as an unseen clock ticks constantly down, sending an unstoppable ghost to kill you should you dally too long in each level.
 |
| A rare shop - no refunds |
You can get shot with arrows, devoured by man-eating plants, squashed by boulders and thrown by yetis, among dozens of other ways to die. And you will die. A lot. It took me well over a hundred deaths before I recorded my first victory and finished the final level. And the levels get progressively harder, as deadlier traps and nastier creatures are introduced in the differing zones.
Secrets abound throughout the game, requiring you to experiment and learn. What is this key for? Why do I need the Udjet eye? What does that beeping sound mean and how do I get to the mysterious City of Gold? All these need to be discovered yourself.
 |
| The mysterious ice caves. Full of yetis. And, um, ice. |
One of the key facets of the game is that the levels are randomly generated, yet always present a perfect challenge and never trap you unless you are careless. You have access to a limited number of bombs and ropes, and may even get your hands on more exotic goodies as you progress. A warm feeling spreads through you when you discover a weapon in a crate, or find a shopkeeper willing to sell climbing gloves or a jetpack. Only being able to carry a single item in your hands makes for some tense moments, as you juggle a damsel in distress, a golden idol and your expensively acquired digging tool, all the way to the exit.
 |
| A damsel. Stereotypes abound. |
But it’s also about the choices – the choices! Example. You’ve rescued a trapped damsel (who handily restore lives via a kiss if you get them to the level exit), but you’re faced with a proximity arrow-trap blocking the only exit. You have no bombs left and nothing nearby to trick the trap into activating. You know getting hit will kill you, and you need to get past. The answer? Lob the damsel – she takes the hit from the arrow and you can proceed. If she’s lucky, she may even survive. The budding spelunker faces many such moral grey areas as he proceeds through his adventure.
The game sucks you in. You want to play. Again and again. It reaches that perfect point of being easy to play yet fiendishly difficult to master, confoundingly frustrating in its brutality, but yet possessing a goal of achievement which is worth all the deaths. The primal thrill of reaching a new level zone drives you onwards – although it is often followed by the crushing defeat of being instantly murdered by a previously unencountered foe.
Speaking as a simple human being to another simple human being, I beg you – give this game a try. It would be criminal not to.
Final Score – Amazingly Happy Dog
