Batman : Arkham Asylum

I'm a big fan of Batman. He is by far and away my favourite superhero. I have serious man-boners for him. Primarily, this is because his main "super-power" is nothing more than spite-filled, acidic determination with the willpower to melt steel.

Bear with me here while we take a non sequitur detour - At one point in the recent comics, Batman has been captured by agents of Darkseid, an immortal and utterly evil demi-God. He is strapped into a chair with a mind-control device placed over his head, connecting his brain to rows and rows of duplicate Batman clones. The evil scientists are of course trying to clone an army of evil Batmen to do their no doubt 'evil bidding' (one day I hope to use this phrase in a managerial capacity), by stealing his thoughts and memories and programming the clone army. So far, so classic.

Gordon has been hitting the gym - and the HGH

Of course, using his immense mental strength, he breaks through their mind control illusion, and the powers that drive him are SO INTENSE that they actually cause all of the clones to go mad and melt. A telling line from one of the panic-stricken evil scientists is "My God . . . what kind of man can use his mind like a weapon?"

ANYWAY, It's only the first paragraph and I've already gone way off course. You're not here to listen about my man-boners. Or so I imagine.

Shut up and kiss me, you fool.

Essentially though, that is what the game is about – not man-boners of course, but the pure, bloody minded determination of one man. Here is a man who has forsaken using firearms and all other forms of lethal weaponry in his pursuit of justice. And although you've observed this for years in both the comics and the movies, it is really only when playing that you begin to understand why. Deep down, it's not out of some non-killing moral code. It's that killing is too easy. It is simply not enough of a punishment. 

This man is about to soil his undergarments

 

The sheer amount of pure physical violence that this one man can inflict is terrifying. In any other concept he would be labelled insane, and in fact, that is a recurring theme in the Batman mythos, that he is merely a flip side to Gotham's many villains, somehow worse than them, yet working on the side of normal people.

Batman finishes 2nd in the annual Arkham breakdancing competition

Playing batman, you truly understand the sense of satisfaction that comes from pounding two-fisted justice into evil doers. These are bad man you are facing. Even the ordinary goons are no doubt murderers, drug dealers, rapists or violent armed robbers. There is a sheer, healthy satisfaction in cracking bones. You are positively encouraged to go to town on them. You will find yourself reloading checkpoints just to see how efficiently you can dispatch the group of proles who dare to smash up the Batmobile. 

What is about to occur? A beating so brutal it would put LA police officers to shame.

  

Batman doesn't just knock people out with punches so that they can be arrested later. Batman doesn't even try to tie anyone up. This to me is clearly because he wants them to wake up later and try again. He gives them the option. You mow down countless henchmen in the game and who's to say if some of them aren't the same ones from earlier? In fact they clearly are not, as they are all walking upright and with no facial disfigurements or internal haemorrhaging.

Killer Croc provides some genuinely threatening moments. And a great set-up for a Joker gag.

 

Batman destroys his foes, both physically and mentally. To wake up after a beating from Batman must truly be an awful fate. He breaks bones. He twists limbs until cartilage and sinew snap. He hits people with such force that there is no doubt brain damage could be inflicted. He punches people on the top of the skull, in the base of the neck, or jumps on them with his knees and pounds their heads against a granite floor. As Churchill once said "We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm"

'Nope, can't smell anything, your shoes are clean'

 

So the very essence of this game is inflicting a vast amount of violence upon already violent men. Sure, occasionally you have to save some boob who has got himself tied up or captured. But these are merely distractions from the punching. And very admirable punching it is too. This is a thoroughly excellent game with a great cast, sound, free-flowing gameplay and combat. I eagerly await Batman : Arkham City.

Batman Arkham Asylum scores - BatCat